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THE CRITERION
224 Piccadilly, Piccadilly Circus, London W1
No Telephone Number Available
Fat Man rating: 70/100 (actually 88/100 - 18 for reasons of envy)
Mr. Marco Pierre White, one of our leading chefs and restaurateurs, had to feature in this list and, as The Criterion is the most stylish and impressive and the best value of his restaurants, it got the nod ahead of The Titanic or The Mirabelle. This stunning building which overlooks Eros, one of our incredibly famous but always disappointing landmarks, has the most opulent of Moorish-style interiors, with ornate gold leaf mosaics on the ceiling, loads of fabric separating the bar from the huge dining area, soft and subtle lighting - in fact, this is probably London's most stunning dining area after Stavros's Kebab Shack in Brixton Hill.
The food is absolutely sumptuous and highly inventive with the greatest possible attention paid to every detail; in fact, you get the most enormous guilt trip at the thought of destroying the precarious presentation. I've seen people, fork poised, sitting there for 45 minutes, plucking up the courage to plunge their silver trident, saliva running loosely from the corner of their mouth, eyes fixated on their dining companions fixed in similar repose, whilst the waiters chant mercilessly - "Attack! Attack! Attack!" Okay, we've surmised that the place looks good, the food looks good, I look good in leather and that the waiters have an almost barbarian quality to their service but does it taste good? Is the dribble justified? Is Marco Pierre White truly a master of culinary design (although he doesn't cook here)? Yup - it's aaaaalright! Fairly bloody magnificent, actually. Cooked to perfection - if you're one of these sad knobs that are only prepared to eat their meat burned to a cinder then I suggest a kebab from Stavros - as everything is perfectly pink. The desserts are yummy - the lemon tart a must - and the wine list is well-balanced with truly international offerings. The staff are, as expected, excellent and the prices not ridiculous; dinner for two will set you back about £85 and the wine another £20 or more.
Why the low mark? Cos Mr Marco Pierre White is an arrogant sod with the most prodigious gift and the most stunningly beautiful companion and has just made our top 500 rich list and, frankly, I'm jealous. He's either too talented or too lucky or both for one mortal, apparently, he has poor inter-personal skills with diners who want their meat well done; scant recompense for us wannabes, eh?
Kids may get attacked by a cleaver. |
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